Some untold Lies...

 

His eyelids are reddish and swollen, shirt is still dampened with tears, I know he has been crying for whole night. What is he afraid of? Why is he still holding my hand while in a deep sleep? Howsoever tight he holds my hand, he can’t stop me from leaving him this time, I have to go now, for ever and ever. I am happy to see him sleeping, he seem at peace, carefree and stronger. I want him to be the same when he wakes up but will he be? Am not sure …

My illness has taken a toll on his health and emotions. He has not slept properly for all these days, don't even remember when he ate something last. All because he knows that few more hours and I will be no more than a memory for him and for my baby, who is just two years old , too small to feel the absence of his mother. He might miss the care and love which I always wanted to shower on him in his growing age, but no more. Seven long months and I have been lying to myself that this day won’t come ever and I will recover from this damn disease....cervical cancer. I have been strong all through while it got diagnosed last year and since then I have been fighting with it and in the process telling myself a several lies. Lies that hold no significance today. I am dying and that’s the biggest truth I need to accept, he need to accept. Will he ever?

Everything got ravaged that was so beautiful once, my ardent love for him, our vows to stay together till we breathe, my exuberating and exciting motherhood, and my frolic desires to cherish every moment with my baby, to watch him growing. OOHHH, I so much wanted him to look like his dad, even if he do now, I won’t be there to rejoice. Every little dream has been quashed and now here at this moment I am giving up and letting the destiny take over. I won’t affray anymore. I am tired. I wish to sleep now.

Even if I am gone, lie to him that I never did. Teach him to endure this pain, it will soon be over. I will always be there watching over him and the baby. Tranquillity will soon hit the shores of their life. They will be happy and so will I  be to see them. Lie to them that life will be as beautiful as it was before. Lie to them that no affliction can take away the strength they possess. Lie to them that I will soon return. Lie to them that I am not dying, just taking a small break from my tiresome life. Tell them to believe into all these lies. The lies I wanted to believe once, now my only gift to them.
 

A loving wife and a sad mother……